minor scrape

just to let you all know (some may care - most may not)
i have been in a bit of an accident with the motorbike recently, and have just got back out of hospital - it's tempting to stay with the loverly meals they serve.

i don't like blowing my own trumpet etc, and i'm sure we all know someone worse, but the damage list included, spine broken in 6 places, both lungs collapsed, ribs fractured (all off them) and one collor bone fractured.
oh and the bikes a right-off

i now have 3 steel rods in my back and about 15 screws.

i know i don't wright much on the forum, but perhaps this forced stay from work will mean the web-whatever will have to keep an eye on me

hopefully see you all soon, and roll on four wheel summer fun!!!

Chris

Ooooh poor you. How did that happen? You can always do fancy dress on LGT as the Tin Man. We need some idle chatter on here and do keep us up to date wuth your progress which I hope is steady.

chris, what happened?? did ur dress get caught??

only joking mate, glad ur ok  

Oh Chris  glad you're on the mend please stick to 4 wheels I don't want to lose my 'son-in-law '

sorry to hear about the bike  

im guessing you crashed into a diy shop judging by whats stuck in your back

you don't do things by halves do you? That's impressive amount of shrapnel you have acquired for yourself... Should make travelling through airports that much more enjoyable I'm sure.

So you went on a fairly epic bike trip and survived relatively unscathed but the great roads of our country proved deadly? Sounds about right.

I hope your recovery progresses well - on the upside at least you shouldn't receive any peas through the post.... - and you have someone waiting on you hand and foot!

We now have our own £6 and a half quid man. It must be a bit of an upset to realize your total body parts are not worth as much as weighing yourself in at the local scrapyard.

Chris I am so sorry and I wish you had told us a bit earlier we could of kept you laughing when you where in Hospital, on the over hand I can understand why you didn't. Does it hurt when you laugh.
So please come on update us every day and let us know how your doing.
Linda sends her love

Hello Chris,
Really sorry to hear about your accident and pleased to know that you are on the mend.
Take good care of yourself and best wishes for a speedy recovery,
See you in the summer,
Regards,
Ian

HI Chris

so sorry to hear your news how scarry for you all and the family . Thankgoodness they have rebuilt you  at least those extra pounds you will put on watching day time telly you can put down to all that metal work


How about us all posting a Joke a day  to cheer you up i would start but ive just got back from work and my brain is tired perhaps ill try tomorrow night -

and if you would like a few peas im sure we all have some that we could pass onto you

take care mind those long skirts when going up thee stairs you dont want to end back in Hopsital

Penn

I like the joke idea. Can they be mildly rude/cheeky. Moderators?

i think mildly rude and cheeky would be ok - i'm just scared that Ritas' definition of mild may be different to ours... Anyone seen a 5 legged donkey recently?

Poor you, hope you recover soon, its marvelous how they put you back together..... I've only set the airport alarms off once so you should be ok  

Blimey Chris I hope your recovery is as quick a possible I agree its quite a list of damage you gave!

See you in the summer

Mark or is it Paul?

1. Go for it Rita - your definition of "mild" will suit me!

2. They're never that pleased to see me Michelle!

My offering:-

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



R.
ps. Don't tell Jane!

Paddy shows his blonde girlfriend the L and R printed on his wellies, and explains they mean Left and Right.

His girlfriend replies

'That would explain the C & A in my knickers then!'

Mine is certainly milder than Charlie's

2 ladies sitting in the vets waiting room, one with a Jack Russell, one with a Great Dane. So the lady with the Great Dane asked the lady with the Jack Russell why they were there. She replied "He's dirty he poos every where. In the kitchen, in the lounge, in his bed, every where and I'm having him put to sleep. Why are you here?" she asked.
"Well"  said the lady with the Great Dane. "It's a bit embarrassing really but I was having a shower and he came into the bathroom. He opened the shower door and got into the shower with me. He then pinned me up against the shower wall and made wild passionate love to me"
"Crikey" said the lady with the Jack Russell "Are you having him put to sleep too?"
"No" she replied "I'm getting his claws cut!"

What kind of snake is useful on your window>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>





a Viper



what do you get if you cross an elephant and peanut butter...........................






either peanut butter that doesnt forget or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth !!!!!





why do elephants have flat feet.........






from jumping out of trees!!!!!!

thanks for all you're kind words.

i've just decided it does hurt when i laugh.

Rita - you should be ashamed, or on the telly (definatly in print - Rita's LGT joke book).

i hadn't thought about the dress/stair issue! August's costume may need a re-think.

When my kids came to the hospital to see me and got over the inital "are you going to die" and "how much are you worth" bits, i did notice Jack had put on his card - "next time take the mini" and i thought theres a slogan if ever i heard one.

thanks again for your kind words, I'm due a nice drug induced sleep now.

glad to hear your still laughing sorry we have driven you to drugs !!!

my joke book has 998 more jokes to come so better send out for a new prescription!!!!!!!!

Years ago, we sent  Andrew's uncle a get well card that said "If you die can I have your car" and guess what. His condition worsened and he did die........

Andrew's ancient Grandmother sent us a Christmas card that said something about Father Christmas only comes once a year. Bet you're glad you're not Father Christmas!

Had these come on email over the weekend

IF THIS DOESN’T MAKE YOU SMILE……………………………………………………………………!!

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio



1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting comment ator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.  I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there.  They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

It's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.


YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.    HOWEVER IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

Quoted from Bumble

Years ago, we sent  Andrew's uncle a get well card that said "If you die can I have your car" and guess what. His condition worsened and he did die........

Andrew's ancient Grandmother sent us a Christmas card that said something about Father Christmas only comes once a year. Bet you're glad you're not Father Christmas!

Only once a year. Bet you're glad you're not Mrs Chtistmas!

To add to Mark's list there was the test match where the commentator said in a very serious voice ""The Batsman's Holding, The Bowler's Willey".

Quoted from Seven61

glad to hear your still laughing sorry we have driven you to drugs !!!

my joke book has 998 more jokes to come so better send out for a new prescription!!!!!!!!

Mine has 1275, but I don't like to boast. I found a really rare one the other day that had 1071.

why did the Cowboy die with his boots on ...................








so he didnt stub his toe when he kicked the bucket  



What did the Firemans wife have for Christmas







a ladder in her stocking








what does a Caterpillar do on New Years Day.........







turn over a new leaf

Chris sorry to hear you've been hurted! Sounds like your a lucky chap!

urm..... ok have to ask - are you magnetic?

Hope you feel better soon.....

...heres my contribution to the joke fund-

A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,  "Do  you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies,  "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy."

Excellent, the best one I've heard in a long time!  

Richard.

Sarah,
"am i magnetic?"
I don't think so? I can manage to walk past the telly without it going all wierd, and the same with the fridge, unless it has beer inside (which is most odd).
It could be a new party trick, i will have to do some reasearch.

Quoted from Bertie

urm..... ok have to ask - are you magnetic?

not all steel is magnetic, plus most medical pins and plates are titanium, which isn't magnetic

what goes 200 miles an hour around  a lamp










Stirling Moth

Quoted from Seven61

what goes 200 miles an hour around  a lamp





Stirling Moth

Groan  

i know they are terrible arent they i borrowed a joke book from work think ill take it back and swop it for another one !!!

Quoted from Seven61

i know they are terrible arent they i borrowed a joke book from work think ill take it back and swop it for another one !!!

Sounds like a plan  

Wowzer, what a smasher!!! hope you get better soon.
Most of my jokes are trucker jokes and a little too rude, I will try to change some of the wording.....

Husband says to his wife ' we should wash your knickers in Slim Fast, it might make your fat backside look thinner.' Next day, putting his pants on, he notices they're covered in power. 'Have you put talc in my pants babe?' 'No' she replies, 'Its miracle grow.'

One for the girls........

A real man is a womans best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do and he will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He makes her feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible........no wait............................no, Im thinking of wine. Its wine that does that, sorry.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.  He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  
Sod this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.  3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it.  I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.  
To be fair the audience did try to warn him

Excellent!  

Quoted from richardjackson99

Excellent!  

did you hear about the sword swallower who swallowed an umbrella?



he wanted to put something away for a rainy day




how do you cure a headache?



put your head through a window and the pane will disappear

What have I been missing made me smile.

"My Husband said he wanted to go somewhere expensive for his birthday so I took him to the petrol station. "

Heh heh good one Penny  

Wow, found 2 snakes on my front screen this morning...........turns out they were vindscreen Vipers !!!!!!

Thank you Penny for making us smile and keeping the board active. It's sad it's gone so dormant.

Irish scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.

paddy phones for an amblance as murphy has been hit by a car. Operator asks where he is. he says outside 29 Eucalyptus Road, operator asks, how do you spell that? The lines goes quiet for 5 minutes. operator gets a bit worried. Then paddy says, sorry about that, I've just dragged him round to Oak Street.

Sorry, my jokes seem to all be sexist,racist etc etc etc darn truckers  

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is o collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says, "What's the food like here?"

The lions say, "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.

Not sure how many more of these I can take.

Just to let you guys know.

Gettting a lot better (something to do with the humor).

I have a check up at the spinal clinic next week and they should be able to tell me if I can start driving/working etc again.
I still have a bit of pain in my back, but the tablets work and are being reduced each day.

Hopefully it won't be too long untill I can get down to one of the meetings in sunny Devon.
Many thanks for all the jokes.

Chris.

glad to hear from you as we were worried you had fallen over laughing and couldnt get up !!!!!!! and we may not have noticed untill August when you didnt arrive for LGT!!!!

Glad to hear you have some good news keep on taking the tablets and well hope to see you soon

Penny and Ian

ps

Marriage means sharing....

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered:



'THE TEETH.'

That was funny. I didn't guess the teeth!

Quoted from Bumble

That was funny. I didn't guess the teeth!

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

EXERCISE PROGRAM

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)







After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

i thought this was particularly apt as we have just finished several pancakes!!!