THE 2011 LEJOG BLOG

Note: our theme for this year is CrMINIlly Insane- search on Google for the explanation...

Day 1: the escape

"I've got us a car for our trip. Might be a bit of a crush with our kit in, but it'll do. Going to get John from his safehouse early... stay away from the motorways and the traffic cops..."

So, by 7am I'd picked up David, the kit all packed in Dennis the night before. He decided to drive the first section of the route we'd planned, as he knows the roads so it would give him a chance to get used to the car.

" No way I want to be caught driving this car, not today..."

It was going to be all the B's on the route we chose: Boston, Burton-on-Trent, Birmingham, Bristol, Bridgwater, Barnstaple, Bideford and Buck's Cross. Boston was no issue, and largely over to Burton was fine as well. Usual things with other traffic, but Dennis was running well and apart from general wetness the weather was, er, a bit dodgy...

"Damn roadblocks!"

We made it through Burton and on to Birmingham on the A38. Bit nervous round here, but Spaghetti Junction went smoothly. Not so much for the lane closures getting to Longbridge though which slowed us up quite a bit though once we were out the other side things eased off, and we set the shatnav for Tewkesbury.

"Got to stop for something that isn't porridge..."

On the way we stopped at the Bus Stop Cafe, the same converted coach that me and Tony had previously visited on previous LEJOGs. Sausage sandwiches consumed, we were back on our way, with slightly worrying references to Brokeback Mountain and mankinis (shudder...)

"Sure they know where we are before we do..."

The DennisTracker was using a lot of power even though charging constantly. Battery was a bit warm too but it was working ok. More traffic and plenty of 50 limits meant we were getting behind by the time we got to Bristol, where we were diverted by an incident (and David was distracted by an incidence of Bristols...)

"We'll be safe in the country, they'll never find us there..."

Through Bridgwater and carrying on down the A38 still, we heard that Carol and Michelle had left the motorway and were onto the road to Barnstaple after refreshments; the Students had already made it with Barry's LEJOG bear and set themselves up for a night of camping with us.

Soon we made it to the campsite as well, about 11 hours after setting off.

"We're just a pair of encyclopedia salesmen going to a conference, don't mind us"

We met up with everyone and completed David's introductions then soon had our tents pitched and ready, airbeds filled from our 2 pumps. A quick visit to Asda for supplies (beer) and back to the campsite and we were ready for food. Of course, where could we go but to the good old Sunshine Cafe in Westward Ho!

Following a wonderful "been out All Day Breakfast" and a slightly dodgy " mostly steak before it was nuked pie" we headed back to the campsite for more getting to know each other, tone and boundary setting, and of course beer, as the drizzle drizzled, the wind winded and the cold got a bit colder. Time for bed.

Dennis tracker last updated at 18.10 on saturday. Just in case it's eating all your power and not working properly. It is showing you at the campsite. I'll see if it moves today for you.

Showing him in Bideford at the moment   in Morrisons for breakfast my guess  

Yep it's updated. As you say Mags probably breakfast stop. Land's End and back today.

Day two: Laying Low

"Damn, outside ain't so nice..."

Morning came (as it typically does) and the weather had improved a little. Not much, but enough that we could tell once the midst had burnt off it was going to be hot.

Breakfast was had: bacon butties, Shreddies and custard creams (!) and the topic of conversation moved to people's plans for the day.

As there are so few of us doing LEJOG this year, we hadn't been planned in to do the traditional minibus washing, so today was a lazy day. This gave us a chance to rest after the drive down, and I drove today letting David take it easy.

"When I said I'd put their lights out,I didn't mean it like that..."

I wanted to get some more bits from Asda, and try to find a 12v charger for my phone, which had suffered a bit yesterday. The USB charger in Dennis is only on with the ignition and it was impractical to leave the keys in the car while the phone was charging...

I also wanted to see if the Saltrock shop at Atlantic Village had any more of the hats to which I'm partial, so we headed off there to see what was what. By the way, the battery situation is why wheresdennis.co.uk was not running today.

Arriving at Atlantic Village, we saw quite a crowd outside Asda. There was an electrical problem which meant that there was no power thru the whole place so people were being turned away. We went to Barnstaple instead.

After a wander round a few places, Tesco came up with the goods and we were on our way back.

"We still need supplies, but we need to lay low..."

So off back to Atlantic Village we went, and it looked like they'd stuck another 50p in the meter as it was all open again. Saltrock didn't have any hats so we headed in to Asda for a bucket, some salt and 2 bags of ice to help chill the tinnies back at the site.

Back to the tents and we found the Students had headed off home and Jock's crew were out doing similar. Nothing for it but to get the beer chilling and do some chilling ourselves.

"Maybe there'll be fewer cops in the next town?"

Terry and Linda arrived too, and after a bit of stickerification for the door plaques we all headed in to Westward Ho! to have tea at the Waterfront, which was nice, then back to the site to relax and plan Monday.

"We might be on our own here..."

Back at the site, Jo and Mike were there to greet us, but also to say that they might not be able to join us on the run - which was a great disappointment as I'd only just put the run number on Dennis' back window! - but they'd be trying to make arrangements to come with us. Jo was very disappointed, but was very good at resisting a slice of chocolate cake...

So we discussed the chances of us being a 3 mini run, while the sun went down and the fleeces went on. Carol and Michelle also unveiled their solar powered tent fairy lights, amid cries of "ooh!" and "aah!", and after another quick beverage, it was time to retire for the day.

Day three: Keep on moving...

"Everywhere we look, he's on to us. Can't hang round here..."

We managed a bit of a lie in this morning (notwithstanding David's phone pumping out Radio 2's breakfast show) and had little to do before heading off to Morrison's in Bideford for our own breakfast at around nine. I had a few comments (once I had some signal) that wheresdennis.co.uk wasn't working, but this was purely down to me not running the tracker until I'd sorted out a better charging system for my phone. By nine however, it was back on and reporting our position.

During our hearty breakfasts, Lottie arrived and so as the designated back up driver he would follow us down. However instead of the usual white van, he'd turned up in his '68 850 auto, a real time warp car. That at least made 4 Minis on the run to Lands End.

"If we're not careful, we'll have a hell of a mess on our hands"

The usual loo stop at Camelford was reached in good time, though the state of the loos was sadly below par...

The run down to Lands End was largely uneventful, except for being a lot quicker than usual due to the number of cars. Lottie's auto was surprisingly good at keeping up with the others, though it was suggested that was because he was keeping it at 9000 rpm...

And so, before we knew it we were at Lands End, lined up with lots of curious (and confused) people wandering around the cars. Carol and Michelle had their photos done first then disappeared off to find more photo opportunities for the as yet unnamed bear, with some assistance from Michelle in her new role as Official Bear Steadier.

We had our pictures taken too, with the signpost showing wheresdennis.co.uk after which it was time to go tat shopping.

A short while later, after a lengthy discussion in the relative merits and lifespans of different sticker materials, it was time to head back.

"Got to stay alert now, don't want to miss anything..."

The run back was similarly uneventful, except for a couple of sharp stops with Tinker (Terry and Linda's car) marking territory with rubber. Terry and Linda were too busy between emergency braking to answer on the CB as their new album was just too good to stop listening to...

"Chainsaws. Nasty. But effective..."

We did stop on the way back to have a look at the work of a wood carver, who'd set up shop in a layby. While the quality of work was amazing, we were all too loaded up to take anything, even if we could have afforded it. There was another photo op for the bear though, on a log between two wolves.

"Do we need to lose them now, or later?"

Soon we were back at the campsite, with dinner plans at the Thatched Inn at Abbotsham, though Terry and Linda headed back to their house to sort out some bits. Not long after, word reached us that we might end up as a two car run, as Tinker had developed a nasty noise when turning.

"It's the little things that'll end up catching us out."

Terry managed to strip down the hub and the first thought was a dodgy wheel bearing. While I have one in the parts box it's a genuine (v expensive) one, so the plans changed such that Terry would get a cheaper one first thing in the morning, for it, then catch us up.

The diagnosis then changed to the CV joint, one of which I have again, but the symptoms still weren't matching up. Finally, Terry spotted the metal band on the CV boot had moved and was catching badly on the hub. Once replaced, it was all sorted and Tinker and crew joined us back at camp a short while later. Few relaxing beverages and the packing of what could be packed, and all off to kip awaiting the long drive on Tuesday...

Day four: Up Country

"I overheard some of them talking..."

Late news from the camp site: we're still not sure of the context in which this was said, but at some point last night, Michelle walked past Terry and Linda's tent, just as Terry announced "It's not hard..."

So this morning we had our long run to breakfast, a hefty drive from Steart Farm up to Bridgwater.

Carol and Michelle found that their CB aerial mount was not performing as they'd like, due to one of its parts going missing. So at the usual toilet stop we took the opportunity to sort it out, temporarily replacing the missing bit with a screwdriver bit. At the same time, Lottie decided to do a better job of attaching his aerial with a spare grub screw I happened to have, and a judicious application of gaffer tape.

CBs sorted and we were off again, facing the challenges of Porlock Hill with screaming gearboxes and smoking (and fading) brakes. No dramas this time though, except the very old, very slow coach chugging away getting up the other side. Apart from this, and random sheep laid in the road, our drive over Exmoor was nice and easy.

And so to breakfast. Unfortunately although we held out hope that they'd join us at Bridgwater, Jo & Mike didn't make it on the run with us this year...

"I think they mean well... but still... they're mad..."

So once our Morrison's breakfasts were done, and we'd grabbed bits we needed through the day, some of us nipped for petrol while Lottie ( by this time christened "Team Gaffer Tape") attached a model of a cow to his wing mirror. It seemed the natural thing to do, somehow.

Terry for once held the rest of us up, disappearing for petrol well after everyone else was ready to go; but eventually we were on our way on one of our short motorway sections, heading for the old Severn crossing.

"These guys are starting to worry me..."

Myself and David managed to save a bit of cash on the crossing. While at the services just beforehand (while Lottie sorted out his loose cow and added more gaffer tape to his aerial), I checked on the Severn crossing website and found that blue badge holders are exempt from the toll...

Once we got to the toll booths, David and I don't through easily and for nothing, while Terry again held the rest of us up by driving to the TAG- only booth.

"... but they could outrun anyone"

Up Monmouthshire next, through the twisty bits which have never seen a mobile signal (so the tracker was having trouble) and soon we were shooting past Tintern Abbey. Now, this place is admittedly a bit of a fixer-upper, but really it only needs a bit of gaffer tape.

Getting over the tight bridges is definitely easier with a small group too...

Soon we found (through Linda's giggle-fit) that Lottie's erection was far better than Jock's - which was "cock out" - and which had to be fixed with gaffer tape and a lump hammer. We're qualified to do anything with nothing... particularly when a CB mount is concerned.

Rumours were then started that Linda has a bottom fetish, for suggesting that the Herefordshire roads were making jock junior shake his ass...

"I'm kind of getting used to them now"

Not long up the road we passed the Cadbury's factory, now owned by Kraft of course. Note to David: Kraft Spray-on Cheese is allegedly a foodstuff, but is definitely NOT a deodorant...

And before we knew it, we were at Craven Arms for a loo and snack stop, and then back on our way, tired but determined to get up to our overnight stop. Not so easy when you have the Comma Classic Oil Steel Band playing a single note all the way.

Trudging along we managed (while avoiding other drivers as usual) to make it to our usual petrol stop. Unfortunately for some of the ladies this stop has no toilets, so once we'd filled up we headed a bit further and found some services about 3 1/2 miles. Disappointingly their petrol was 5p a litre cheaper too.

And on we plodded... on to the motorway heading up to the services, occasionally something on the CB such as directions:

"We're only on here for one junction, we're coming off at junction 9"
"Junction 9, Roger!"
"That's junction 9 *Carol*"
"Roger Carol... and that's not an instruction!"

"I'm beginning to like this bunch..."

Eventually we hit Charnock Richard, got booked in, checked the rooms, sorted out some food and settled down to bit of "things you never knew about your fellow LEJOGgers", including such gems as how Terry and Linda's twins were conceived, and that Michelle's friends husband sang the theme to Poddington Peas...

And now it's time to retire for the evening, with a 7am start and a stop on the Lancashire Riviera tomorrow, there's no rest til Moffat...

good to hear things are running as normal even with 4 of you !!! enjoy your breakfast nearly !!!!!!!!!!there and we shall be thinking of you all at Moffat

Sorry we didnt make it guys.... we are totally gutted!!  Sounds like ur havin loads of fun!!  Drive carefully and see u all soon x x x x x

There's always next year, Jo.

Tonight's blog post may be a little delayed due to us having a meal here which is going to take up most of the evening...