new !! Joke thread

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
It has on the human body"
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time
Of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

"Hello? Is that the National Accident Helpline?



Ah, good. I'd like to make a claim against my local supermarket...



What happened? Oh, well, there'd been a spillage in one of the aisles and I fell over...



No, no, I didn't slip on it. No, someone had come along and cleaned it up...



No, no, I didn't go over because of the wet floor that was left after the spillage was cleaned up...



Yes, there was a sign that said "Caution: Wet Floor". But it was placed right in the middle of the walk way, and I tripped over it. Went down right on my backside next to the pickled onions...



Yes, that's right. What do you mean I can't make a claim?



But it was bloomin' dangerous! There should have been a warning that it was there! I wouldn't have fallen if there had been a Caution: Caution: Wet Floor Sign Sign!



Hello?



Hello?"

Just got back from a friends funeral.
He died after being hit by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service!

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'




Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'