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just to stir things up on here i thought i would start a joke thread feel free to join in
A policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
sometimes my mind not only wanders it goes off on its own
Now that I'm fourty, I thought my number was up when I had a visit from the grim reaper. Luckily I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Nutcase - Certified and Sectioned OUT OF LINE SINCE 59'
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TEXTING for over 40s
The kids have all their little SMS codes, like BFF, WTF, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the more matured.....
ATD - At the Doctor's BFF - Best Friends Funeral BTW - Bring the Wheelchair FWIW - Forgot Where I Was GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low GHA - Got Heartburn Again HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On? WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin In!
'PROUD TO HAVE BEEN A MARSHALL ON THE LGT 2007/2008/2009/2010'
'THE LGT IT'S WHAT MINI'S WERE MADE FOR'
"MINI'S HAVE FEELINGS TOO BE THEY OLD ONES OR NEW"
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad: For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll might be able to workm it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
sometimes my mind not only wanders it goes off on its own
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Rita, you should watch a Harrison Ford/Kelly McGillis film called "Witness." It's a good thriller about an Amish boy who witnesses a muder. Not gory or full of rumpy pumpy, just a nice film. After seeing it, I googled Amish too!!
Now that I'm fourty, I thought my number was up when I had a visit from the grim reaper. Luckily I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Funnily enough, I was going to go into business with him, clearing frost off car windscreens, but everyone warned me I'd just be de-icing with death...
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says. "Discus," and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says. "Pole vault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says. "Fencing."
sometimes my mind not only wanders it goes off on its own
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects It has on the human body" The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time Of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting, ' Holy s*!t... What a Ride!! ' '
Nutcase - Certified and Sectioned Yes, it's all my fault.
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"Hello? Is that the National Accident Helpline?
Ah, good. I'd like to make a claim against my local supermarket...
What happened? Oh, well, there'd been a spillage in one of the aisles and I fell over...
No, no, I didn't slip on it. No, someone had come along and cleaned it up...
No, no, I didn't go over because of the wet floor that was left after the spillage was cleaned up...
Yes, there was a sign that said "Caution: Wet Floor". But it was placed right in the middle of the walk way, and I tripped over it. Went down right on my backside next to the pickled onions...
Yes, that's right. What do you mean I can't make a claim?
But it was bloomin' dangerous! There should have been a warning that it was there! I wouldn't have fallen if there had been a Caution: Caution: Wet Floor Sign Sign!
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